Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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