hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
