hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
