Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
