the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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