i just sent this text using only my big toe
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
