Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I love having hate sex.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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