Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
