i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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