in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
