your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
