I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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