Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
