I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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