He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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