I think im going to throw up on grandma
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
