note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
