so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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