Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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