I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
