he wants to bone in the snuggie
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
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so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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