There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
