how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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