Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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