how can u be prego again
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Two words: blizzard sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
