i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
