There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
