this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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