totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
did i just pee glitter
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
