Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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