i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
