i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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