today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
