Moan for me like Helen Keller
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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