I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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