In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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