The maid of honor just puked.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
