So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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