Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
