it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
