My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
