found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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