Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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