my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
