I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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