can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
