i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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