the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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I don't have enough holes for all these australians
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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