you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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