Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
time to smoke my breakfast
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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