Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
