NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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