ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
