He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Too much gin, very little bucket
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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