my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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