she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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