Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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