we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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