im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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