i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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