Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I need a beard to bite.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
