I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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